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Sigh. I'm graduating in just a few days. I only have two days of school left and on Friday, it'll be the last day ever that I get to see all my friends at one place. I'm scared. This weekend, I've woken up abruptly with butterflies in my stomach and tears in my eyes. These faces that I've seen around school for four years, I'm never going to see them again. What am I going to do with my life, is what I'm thinking.  Things are going to be so different, how am I going to deal with this change. Sure, it's not like I'm movin to another country like I did when I left Singapore. But this four years have been a long and tough one and I couldn't have made it alive without my friends by my side. This everyday routine will soon be over. No more stopping by to talk to Lena, Taylor, and Rochelle before going to my second class. No more waiting outside my 4th class for people to talk to before the bell rings. No more leaving my 4th period class to go to mr Wu's class next door to watch movies instead of dealing with the annoying brats in my class. No more arguing with my gov/Econ teacher. No more blank staring at mr Nichols' jokes. No more hugs from my favorite people! :( I've been waiting for my graduation for years and now that it's here, I just don't want it anymore. Why can't we all just go to the same school again like from junior high to high school. Okay no, actually I went to Hopkins while everyone else went to another school but still, you know what I mean. And except for all those immature racist jerks that go to our school. Sigh. I'm scared :(  I want Massu to sing to me and make me feel better. This is so depressing...

update on my "busy" life

sooo, in about two weeks from now, LAST DAY OF SCHOOL! and two weeks from this friday, GRADUATION! omfg. four years in this hellish school was dreadful. and I'm beginning to think 2012 may be the end of the world and I would have wasted my whole life in school... so today in Spanish class, Blayke/Octavio was telling me about the man in Miami whose face got eaten by a man supposedly on drugs. But then what investigators found out (I found this out while going on tumblr today when I got home) that the man was in fact a carrier of a virus which causes a person to crave human flesh. YUCK! 2012 Apocalypse? I am Legend?? oh my freakin gosh. totally creeped out now. Thanks dear Blayke for informing me of such great news... 
I updated my wall yesterday. My room's practically covered now. I have a map of SF's Japantown, two of my panaromic pictures above my bed, and more pictures of Sakuraiba, just Sho-kun, and MASSU! <3 haha, soon you will see pictures of my and Massu's wedding :D well, prolly 6 years from now. That'll be a good age for the both of us. :D oh and guess what... I bought a yellow shoulder bag today. YELLOW, Massu's favorite color ;)
lately, I've been getting hundreds and 99%s on my socio,spanish,math,and english tests/projects. :) should've just taken the easy classes throughout high school. I just messed my grades for sophomore and junior year! :'( but it's all good. SO, I've been wondering about trying to become a nurse in a U.S. Military base in Japan cause you know, foreign nurses aren't hired over there. SIGH. But then sissy says I have to go through like boot camp. lame.
Oh, I finished my video for english class. My senior speech video. :) I personally liked it. Not my voice but the whole video and music and stuff. AND my teacher loved it. I heard my classmates laughing at the parts I wanted to be comical so that's good. AND well yeah, I loved it hahaha. I got a knot in my back on the day after though cause I was up late fixing the video and stuff.
oh and I'm not going to prom this saturday. weird right? I was looking forward to it and everything. but then, I decided that maybe I'd just save my money instead of blowing my wallet for one night. sigh, confessions of a poor teenage girl....
SO, once again, I have an essay to write. This time, for government. I guess I can't be mad at my teacher for giving us work to do cause he barely does anyways. Plus, I have a good grade in that class so I shouldn't worry too much right? I guess I just hate writing essays in general though. I wish he'd given us like... a poster or something. BY THE WAY, I got a four point O gpa. you proud of me? :D teeeeheee. I got home and shared my joy with Massu. Going all out singing every Tegomass/NEWS song I own :] Massu makes me happy :) but ofcourse, Sho will be too. I will always be one of Sho-kun's biggest fans, til the very end. They make me happy and I've learned to not give up what makes me smile. oh btw, I bought this long and flowy cardigan last week. Guess who it reminds me of. MASSU! Massu, watch out, cause one day you're gonna meet me and we're gonna get married ahahaha. It's kinda sad though... I used to say that about Sho. I feel bad replacing Sho. But you know, during spring break I realised... age DOES matter. He and I are too different. what we eat, how we want to spend days off, how we feel about certain things... The say opposites attract, :/ I used to believe it. I guess not anymore. He may always be my IDEAL husband, but I bet if I ever find anyone just like him, and even if we fall in love somehow, it wouldn't end up working. LOL, what am I talking about now?

so, I have a senior speech t write as well but that's due about two weeks from now. I have time. I'm not exactly sure how to write it yet though. I've gone through so much and it's tough to settle on just one topic. Also, I'm not the type of person who is able to put my feelings into my words, and at the same time make it concise. I end up ranting just as I am doing right this moment. I'm thinking of looking back through my old posts on here and on tumblr to figure out what I've said that can express how I've changed and how I feel. :) I'm gonna make this great. Just watch me succeed, Massu! I'll make you proud of me <3

just dropped by here to say...


Massu, that troll! Ahaha love him!

So apparently, Massu was the one who suggested the countdown on the Johnny's page. Oh you adorable little Doraemon. <3 I feel like cooking a million gyozas for you now. But omfg I am soooooo excited. U can bet that I'm ordering a cd! It's the 4人 NEWS that I love so much! Waaaaaah <3 NEWS is back! Okaeri, NEWS-san! I've got ur back 100% and will continue to support you guys :) the four of you have an irreplaceable part of my heart and I would wish for you four to always be together. Through tough times too. Mina iru kai? Hoshi wo mezashite. I've been listening to their songs non stop since two weeks ago. Ganbate NEWS! Daisuki desu!

such a let down.

This has happened to me so many times already but the pain never eases it's grip around my throat. The moment when the future you have dreamt of, the future you want so badly, starts to fog up. It slips from your hands as you realize that the future you've dreamt of will never be what you've dreamt it would be. As reality slips in and starts to be clear. It's just not meant to be. I could never marry a man more than ten years older than me, no matter how I try to make sense of it. They say age doesn't matter but in many cases, age is the reason relationships don't work out. Everything's different. What you listen to, what you watch, what you eat, your motivation, your needs, and your background. I feel like how we've been brought up is such a huge part of how we are right now, and it's not easy to change. I can't just act like I'm ten years older than I actually am. I'm only 17, I have to depend on my parents, I love eating junk food and laying around in my room doing nothing. We're so different, and the more we age, I'm not sure if we'd grow to be more alike, but it seems so difficult. One would always be pulled back by the other. Another dream I had that has been crushed recently, I can't live in Japan. It's difficult for foreigners in Japan unless they're fluent at speaking Japanese. I want to be a doctor and you know what? If learning to be a doctor is difficult in english, then wouldn't it be a million times more difficult in a language I've only recently started learning? How the hell would I know how to tell my patient that their child has epilepsy, or a degenerative disease, or some sort of disease that's a million times more difficult to say in Japanese than it is in English? I'd just sound stupid to the Japanese and would I get paid as much as a doctor in the U.S.? nope. Making a living there would be hell for me. I'm not really a person that loves money, but honestly, I'd really like to buy my parents an incredible house and send them on trips. I'd like to give my children a good education and bring them to new places to experience new things. I can't live in Japan. I can't marry the man of my dreams. Go ahead, why don't you just break my heart even more by telling me there's no way in hell I could go to school in New York... I used to want to live in New York, but then I changed my mind and said I'd marry a Japanese man and live in Japan. HEART BROKEN. What the ... I don't even understand anything anymore. School's starting again in a day, and I'm not gonna be a happy student.
Wooooooot! In so excited for NEWS's big announcement. Whats ironic is that, yesterday yesterday night, wednesday night, I started to make the calendar pages of the last six months of the year, and on July when Massu and Shige have their birthdays, I wrote all their names in Kanji and wrote "Ganbate NEWS! 4人 NEWS! KoyaShigeTegoMass!" and a quote from an interview of Shige about his book and NEWS's tough past, and I also wrote a quote fom Tegomass's Kiss. Sigh haha. I hope they're finally getting a new single!

as I look through my past posts,

I notice an unimaginable amount of posts where I complain too much. I just need to stop.

SO, I shall talk about what I received from Vivian on Monday!  AN ARASHI UCHIWA! WHAAAAT?!?! :D I was incredibly overjoyed when she handed it over to me! Happiest I'd been in a very long time! All this time I've been thinking that I may never own an official Johnny's product and now I own one, AND it's on my wall next to my Johnny's cut outs and my handmade Arashi themed calendar. sigh, it's such a beautiful uchiwa. Probably the most handsome picture of the five of them on one uchiwa but I may be biased haha. It's a mini one, but it's still so adorable, I can't explain. hahaha, I'm laying on my stomach typing this and as I look slightly to my right, THERE IT IS. My magnificent uchiwa. sigh, it's beautiful, magical, waaaah. hahaha, it's the one from this year's Beautiful World concert. Oh and she also gave me a live shop of last year's Arashi's 10-11 concert. woooot! <333 Best friend, omggg. I never thought I'd turn into a fangirl. I never thought I'd be so in love with asian guys, either. I'd always had a thing for white guys until I guess, until Arashi? hahaha, or no. I think the first Japanese actor whom I thought was attractive was Oguri Shun, and then Ikuta Toma, and then Yamamoto Yusuke, Kaname Jun, Mukai Osamu, Nishikido Ryo, the Tumbling guys, and so on. sigh, what have I become??? hahahaha, oh well. 
NOT. :P I hate this essay with my dear life. It's not particularly difficult or anything... It's just an essay. Plus, I'm mostly done with it. Just a bit of editing here and there, I guess. STILL, when you have a person whose a perfectionist when it comes to big projects, especially essays, and a psycho teacher who wants two quotes from authors to show their opinions per paragraph when it's supposed to be a persuasive essay based on our opinions so it makes no sense at all, essays SUCK. I love writing, honestly. Maybe cause I love to rant, but seriously though, I hate writing for this one particular teacher. So she gives us a verbal example of a well written (in her opinion) essay, and WOAH. It sounded like a 4th grader had written it. She uses quite informal speech and constantly brings up the same words that sometimes do not make sense. I feel like it's suggesting how stupid she feels her students are that we cannot write a better essay than a 4th grader. What sucks more is that she will not understand any question you ask her, and will have that icky yucky disgusting mixed expression of confusion and anger on her face if we ask a question which we "should have known" because she has "said it a million times." DIOS MIO. MAJI DE. AY NAKO. Why can't any of the senior english teachers be sensible? Because of her many requirements as to how to write an A+ essay, I'm going to have to talk to her personally about my essay and whether she feels it meets the requirements. You know what? I wrote an excellent essay and if she doesn't see that, then that's total bullshit. I don't know many students taking the same regular english class who can type a fairly well written essay, and if she's not blown away by how hard I've worked on it, then (as I used to say when I lived in Singapore) "Ms. ____, you go and die larh!"

Extremely aggravated at the moment. Probably because I'm one of the laziest students you will ever meet, and I don't want to be up typing this essay. I just want to be finished with this. SPRING BREAK, Y U SO FAR AWAY?! SIGH, dos dias mas.

:P just wrote a whole script in spanish

Why is spanish homework always so tiring?! :/ I love the language, I just hate being forced to use it when I don't feel the urge to. So, I translated my group's script for our commercial into spanish. It's gonna be about a very tired person, AKA me, who falls asleep at the most random times. While playing basketball, on the phone, at work, and while walking a dog. We're gonna film all of this tomorrow. It's 11:45 and I am wiped out but I still have to take a shower. Damn it. I'm tired as hell, and my back is killing me. But I'm gonna try not to complain too much.

Totally homesick and missing Singapore. Started breaking apart during today's multicultural assembly when I spotted a Singaporean flag. It reminded me of august in Singapore when everyone would hang their flags outside their windows on their blocks. I miss the sight of clothes hanging above your head on bamboo sticks as you walk by buildings. I miss the eerie quietness in Yishun, and the incredibly noisy Orchard Road. I miss my friends and their singlish, lorh. I miss how there'd be a bus every five minutes. I miss how safe it was to walk alone at night in the dark. I miss having to turn on the fans once I get back home cause it was filthy hot. I miss the cheap food and the nice aunties in the shops at the supermarket. I miss sitting in the hall every morning and having assemblies like every month. I miss hearing the guzheng, watching the indian, chinese, and malay dances, having teacher's and children's day, and the red packets with two chocolate coins that we get from school every new years. I miss home.